I just have a lot to deal with right now. But it has nothing to do with you. Trust me when I say that.

I'll be okay, I'll be okay, I'll be okay.

i'm going to keep telling myself that, until I truly believe it, until it becomes the truth.

You know what's funny? After it happened with the last one, I hated him. I hated him to the bone. But you, I can't hate you at all.

In fact, I already miss you.

So if you're not prepared to get hurt, then don't love at all.

Or so that's what I keep telling myself. But it's true, isn't it? Love is a gamble. You either lose, or you win. It's a leap of faith. Sometimes it doesn't end pretty (and believe me I've had my fair share of horrible endings), sometimes you lay in bed wishing the pain would just go away...but it's those small moments, those small moments that warm your heart, whether it's a simple kiss, or the touch of a hand, or just a small embrace, that keep you hanging on. Keep you believing that maybe the hurt would be worth it in the end.

I've always wondered why I choose to fall in love anyway even though I've been the victim of constant heartbreaks. Sometimes I believe that I'm just being naive..sometimes I believe that that's what makes me weak. That I fall easily, that I fall quickly..

But maybe that's what makes me brave. Because I'd always take the chance of getting hurt, if it means that there's that tiny percentage that I would get my happy ending in the end.

‎"Go love someone just because,
I know your heart may be badly bruised,
or even the victim of numerous knifings,
but it will always heal,
even if you don't want it to,
it keeps going."

I found this so...true. Somehow it spoke to me. Because yes, I've been the "victim of numerous knifings", and while I was wallowing in self-pity and crying my eyes out so much so that I believed I honestly had no more tears to let out, I never realized that here I am, still alive, still breathing, because my heart is still beating, no matter how much I truly believed I was going to die. That gave me so much hope. Hope that maybe someday I'll get my happy ending. No matter how much hurt I have to go through towards it. After all, love is beautiful. And maybe that's what makes the hurt all worth it. Because in the midst of those heart-wrenching moments, there are beautiful ones.

I'm becoming so incoherent right now so I shall end of here.

I can't give you anything else, I can't make the decision for you, all I can do is...be myself, and hope to God that "myself" is special enough for you.

Goodnight,

xx

The "I just got home from school - my hair is a mess - and I was too lazy for makeup" look.

You know, I dream of being somebody one day. I dream of making a difference. But I just don't know where to start. I know I was blessed with a decent amount of intellect, and I want to put it to good use, not just to get a degree and end up in a high-paying job and make lots of money (although that would be very nice). I want to do something...I just don't know what.

I guess you could say I'm at that phase in life where I'm trying to decide what I'm doing with my life, who I want to be..who I really am. It happens to all of us, they say it's a part of growing up.

I just really hope to God that one day when I'm old and wrinkly and sitting in my rocking chair, I'll look back and think, "Yeah, I did it. I made it. I made a difference." And then I'll close my eyes and a small smile will appear on my face because I know I've accomplished what I was set out to do.

Maybe this space will still be here when I'm old, then maybe I could read this again and laugh.

"Well, Melissa Stewart, here you were finding yourself...and now here you are. All found, all settled, all accomplished."

I can already hear myself saying that aloud...

Books for this sem - cost me a whooping 188 bucks! Looking at the stack makes me feel so intimidated. And this stack is excluding readings for other modules. Sigh the life of an arts student. The term has already begun and although I'm showing a 10% improvement in actually getting serious, it's definitely not enough. I had plans to get more organized as well, but the procrastinator in me is just not allowing that to happen.

Anyhoo, I had a good Friday the 13th @ Trouse. Had doubts that I was going to enjoy myself cos I was going to be the only girl, but nonetheless it was a great night with Brandon, Matt, Mike and Leslie. Beginning to live for weekends, but of course I am aware of the fact that this staying out late is becoming a horrible habit. Not only is it putting me in my parents' bad books, it's doing nothing good for my skin and health. Not to mention body clock. But oh well, it was a good night, no doubt about that.

Now I'm gonna sleep off this horrible headache and hopefully wake up to a productive Sunday.

xx,

Mel

I miss you, Papa. Although it's been years, I still think about you. Sometimes when I go to Nanny's, I walk into the kitchen and look up at your picture. I miss your presence there, I miss your warm kisses on my cheek everytime I came over. I just miss you.

I'm sorry I never told you, but, I love you, Papa. I hope heaven is treating you well,

xx,

Mel

"I'm not good at relationships

I always manage to find the flaws

sometimes in others

but mostly my own.

I foretell the ending

then go and create the cause

save myself

and end up alone."

The whole poem actually applies to me and..it's quite frightening. I tend to think too much, overthinking if you want to call it that. I predict how things end, even if it doesn't show any signs of ending, and then I scare myself, I get cold feet, and then I attempt to create an escape route for myself. When the going gets tough, Mel gets up and leave. I guess this really needs to change, because it truthfully isn't very healthy. I need to stop making something out of nothing, I need to stop doubting things, I need to start trusting myself that I won't ruin anything and....I need to start trusting that not everyone leaves.

Random thoughts..

1) School is starting in two days for me

2) Secured all my modules yay me! Now time to buck up and pull up my CAP

3) I need a new bag and a new notebook for school (A notebook is extremely vital!! A pretty notebook inspires you to take notes I feel)

4) Can't wait for the getaway with my closesstttt friends! That's if I even get a green light from my parents

5) I wish you'd spend more time with me. But nahhh, I'm telling myself that if there was a space for me in your life, you would have reserved it at your own accord.

Okay goodnightttt, before I start thinking too much. Mel the overthinker.

xx,

Mel

Had myself an extremely good countdown to a brand new year! A new year, a new start, a new beginning and fresh new memories to be made.

Pictures are a mixture from my camera and Ann's so credits to Ann and her awesome camera!

Such pretty girls!

I love couple shots of my friends, makes me feel so happy for them! <3

Matthew's angels apparently hahaha

The brother I was blessed to have met in 2011. It was our one year friendship anniversary too! Hehe.

Sam!

Ann bbygirl <3

Almost everyone!

Hahaha typical Chris pose with his open mouth!

Alex!

Well well well, what can I say about the night except that it was filled with so much happiness and excitement screaming out "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" at the stroke of midnight and going around embracing people with warm hugs and getting embraced with warm hugs in return. Dancing the night away and laughing merrily, feeling like life couldn't get any better. I am truly blessed to have met these friends of mine, ushering in the new year with them twice in a row, I couldn't ask for more. I felt surrounded by love and I'm truly looking forward to making more memories with this amazing bunch, <3

And you...I didn't expect you to come down that night and I was prepared to not be able to see you, but you did. Thank you, you completed my night.

xoxo,

Mel